Nicolas Cage Does Not Play a Spider in ‘Longlegs’
But you knew that already. Right?
Basically, Longlegs (2024) is not about spiders. What Oz Perkins has written about is a web of occult-influenced killings pointing towards the Buffalo Bill-style serial killer, Longlegs (played by the recognisably unrecognisable Nicolas Cage). Our semi-psychic, ever so slightly autistic protagonist, Lee Harker (Maika Monroe), has literally drawn a triangle-shaped arrow out of the algorithm Longlegs has created from the dates of his killings. He always kills daughters born on the 14th of the month to create this inverted triangle algorithm to show his worship of the devil.
But why?
‘MaXXXine’ is a Ball-busting Finale to Ti West’s ‘X’ Trilogy
Don't let the mixed reviews get you down; MaXXXine is not a flop. Whilst the feature is the weakest of its X predecessors, we still get a solid performance from Mia Goth, a teste castration, and a middle-fingered salute to the sexist horror tropes Ti West's horror trilogy subverts through its continued pastiche.
Films to Help You Understand Consent
We don't stop learning about sex when we leave school. The vast majority of us will probably learn about it once we're adults, fumbling around in other people's pants. It's not too late to improve your understanding of consent and learn how to be a better sexual partner -- and whilst some films (both pornographic and not) are certainly not helpful in providing this guidance, some are.
‘Priscilla’ Balances the Perspective on Elvis Presley
You'd think, from the Google Reviews of Priscilla, that Sofia Coppola had directed a hit-piece on Elvis Presley. According to these audience reviews, Coppola has tried to "seduce her audience" with a "feminist anti-male social agenda." Apparently, Priscilla fails to mention that "Elvis was entrapped by Priscilla [sic] family they asked to be transferred to where he was stationed and arranged meeting with their daughter read child bride book then blackmailed Elvis with exposure if he did not marry their daughter since Elvis did have intimate relations with her." It has both "an excruciatingly slow pace" but also "[r]ushes through without continuity." Most importantly, "Elvis was tall at 6 foot but this much taller actor at 6'5 seems chosen for manipulative reasons..."
Jacob Elordi: too tall to play Elvis. The b*stard.
‘Saltburn’: A Class Satire by the Privileged
If you haven't already heard, there's a scene in Saltburn where Barry Keoghan sucks Jacob Elordi's c*m out of a bathtub. If you were imagining it how I was, you were thinking that there's just a bit of c*m floating on the water after he's done bathing and Barry takes a delicate sip from the top. Revolting, but not so bad you'd want to wash your eyes out. Oh no. It's not that simple. The water has already drained from the tub. Barry presses his lips to the plughole and slurps. Whatever semen remains, he savours it. Nose pressed against the tub, lips pursed, cheek rubbing against the porcelain - slurping. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone quite so h*rny.
Feminist Horror to Enjoy This Christmas
Happy Holidays! I love it when women lose their sh*t. As a woman who's lost her sh*t many times in her 24 years, I truly feel seen when a girl on screen lets her innermost rage run rampant. Since it's that time of year when we all spread some festive joy and whimsy, I thought: what could be better than recommending some feminist horror films to watch whilst these dark and cold evenings pass by?
The Barbenheimer Experience
Barbenheimer is - dare I say it - the cinematic event of the year. Two films: one, a dramatic biopic following the creation of the atomic bomb by Robert Oppenheimer, the other a light-hearted family comedy about an iconic children's toy, both littered with notable actors and directed by critically acclaimed filmmakers. Some have compared it to the simultaneous 2008 release of The Dark Knight and Mamma Mia, but I'm not sure that quite compares to the cultural behemoth that has become Barbenheimer.